Thursday, December 16, 2010

No More Pity Party....for now

It's hard for me not to throw myself pity parties sometimes. But I do. I am the Lady of Perpetual Sickness remember?? Since September I've lost count of how many doctors appointments, physical therapy sessions, specialists, etc. I've been to for various health reasons that they all say probably happened just from being pregnant. I knew before I had a baby I might end up with stretch marks and loose skin. I knew my post baby body would be more "mommy-ish" but I didn't take into account all the random physical ailments that can come from a pregnancy. And I'm not even an unhealthy person! I did yoga weekly during pregnancy, I eat pretty healthy, I'm not overweight, I don't smoke or do drugs so I should be good right?

I was already at my wits end and started refusing to even open medical bills we received, I just handed them to Ryan because if I looked I knew I would have an ever harder time going to anymore appointments. This month after my surgery I feel I hit rock bottom. I've literally been bedridden (or bath tub ridden) for about 2 weeks solid and for this social butterfly, that's pretty much a death sentence. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful I don't have a terminal disease and I'm grateful for the friends and family who helped out, but I need interaction with others, I need to get out of my bed and out of my house and those 2 weeks did me in!

Throughout all of this I kept thinking "what is God trying to teach me?" I thought maybe patience. I thought maybe to be a stronger person. Maybe God wants me to trust others more or be grateful for friends. Maybe to gain better perspective and that compared to most others in the world my life really is a piece of cake. Maybe He wants me to share my ailments with other new moms because surprisingly I found others with crazy issues like mine! But yesterday when my husband got home I had a fever and chills and couldn't breathe through my nose and I was just crying and I confessed I was mad at God and had NO IDEA what He was trying to teach me but I was done with this lesson.

Tonight at our small group (and yes I was FINALLY well enough and fever free to go!) during prayer requests Ryan mentioned that he thought maybe God was trying to teach him a lesson through all my ailments about how to be a better husband and how to be more patient with me, and I sadly realized I am so selfish I didn't even think that others might be learning something from all of this. It's really not about me. Maybe that's the lesson. Maybe not. Maybe I'll never know but for now I'm done throwing a pity party myself. I can't promise it will last very long, I'm sure I'll forget this lesson and God will have to remind me again but I hope I can remember for a few least until after Christmas!

And just so we're clear. I would go through all of the physical ailments and repercussions again for this little girl. (But I still can't promise she'll have a brother or sister either!)


fearlesschef said...

I know how you feel... I was soooo excited to be pregnant, but had no idea how badly it would wreak my body. And it's so hard sometimes no not want to sit in the corner and sob. Those medical bills trickling in don't help much either! I'm praying for you and the hubs that what lessons you are supposed to learn are learned quickly so you can get back to being such a fun mommy that I read about and learn from!

Erin said...

Oh, I didn't know you were sick again! If you ever want me to come down - just call. Or maybe I need to call you. Either way, if you need a friend, I'll be there!

lauren and brad said...

what a sweet hubbie. :)

kmom said...

I had a fun 2 weeks getting better acquainted with my granddaughter and helping you and Ryan get caught up with household chores. It was like playing house with a real baby and I was the real grandmother. Sorry you felt so bad during my 2 week vacation. Love you!

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